#5 The Fanny Pack

Over the years, the kangaroo has taught man many important skills, such as the importance of a well-timed right hook and the value of releasing large amounts of methane into the atmosphere. That said, it’s still important to draw a well-defined line between our marsupial brethren and ourselves.

As a species, we’ve pioneered countless ways of transporting our goods and offspring, such the car seat, the backpack, the hipster-favored messenger bag, and of course, that hobo mainstay, the tied-up polka-dot bandana at the end of a stick. All are perfectly acceptable methods in the proper context—it’s the moment that man decided to co-opt the kangaroo pouch that he ran into trouble.

The fanny pack hit the apex of its popularity in the late-80s/early 90s, coinciding, like fellow former white person favorite, Saved By the Bell, with the brief Caucasian affinity toward neon colors. This critic mass of unfortunate white style choices led to the advent of compact waist-riding pouches that could be easily spotted up to 100 yards away. Fortunately for now repentant wearers, however, the runaway success of the accessory was such for a period of a half-dozen years that the wearer would likely never be alone in a crowd.

Fittingly borrowing its name from an endearing term for “ass,” the fanny pack is traditionally used to carry such easily-pocketed items as change, keys, and cash. Other objects, such as prophylactics may have also been transported in this manner, but its likely that, due to their unfortunate fashion choice, the fanny packer rarely had occasion to utilize such protection. The transport of cellphones is also rather questionable, as the advent of truly portable handsets did not overlap with the pack’s success. Attempting to shove what is now lovingly referred to as a "Zack Morris cellphone" into one of these packs would have no doubt resulted in humorous consequences.

Fanny packs are still spotting on occasion in the wild, often on the waists of obese mid-westerners with an affinity toward umbrella hats.